


A War Never Won

by rychuu



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Oumota, SaiOuMota - Freeform, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Idealization, oumasai, saimota
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 00:50:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rychuu/pseuds/rychuu
Summary: Some days, Kokichi Ouma can laugh and enjoy his life like there was nothing wrong with the world.On other days, he can't even get out of bed.





	A War Never Won

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before reading. The suicidal thoughts/self-hatred/suicide idealizations are pretty explicit.
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy the angst!

Some days were harder than others. Some days, Kokichi felt like he was living in ecstasy, laughing like there wasn’t a thing wrong with the world.

Other days, however… were the exact opposite.

Other days were spent miserable in bed, spent with a half-lidded gaze that focused on nothing but the wall in front of them. Where the digital clock read 2:00 PM and he hadn't even moved an inch from where he slept and lay.

_I’m so lonely..._

The thought enters his mind, not for the first time and certainly not the last. Despite having friends, family, lovers… there was an emptiness in Kokichi’s chest that never faltered, never wavered. Even when he combated it with logic, the feeling of isolation and loneliness remained.

Yet reaching out was pointless. Not when poisonous thoughts isolated him further, insisting he was nothing but a bother to those around him. A nuisance, a burden, damaged, broken.

Even if he begged for comfort, it would never reach him. It would only bring misery to those who tried.

Some days, it was easier to pretend he was fine. Smiling wasn’t a problem. Getting out of bed wasn’t a problem. Eating, drinking, playing games, acting normal—on some bad days, he could pretend.

That day was certainly not one of those days.

Kokichi remained in bed, sleeping on and off until he couldn’t sleep anymore. At least, sleeping would bring him away from his own mind, and dreams could soothe his heart. A wonderful form of escapism that he could no longer reach.

With his mind unable to rest, the hounds pounced. Questions with no solid answers, baring their fangs and tearing him apart from the inside out.

_What’s the point in living when we all die someday?_

_What’s the point in living when every other day is nothing but misery?_

_What’s the point in trying, when trying isn’t good enough?_

Tears formed in Kokichi’s eyes as he curled in on himself, hugging a pillow tightly and burying half of his face to silence any sobs that might escape.

_Feelings are temporary. This will pass. It always does._

… _But it always comes back. Is this really worth it? To live more in misery than happiness?_

Even when he tried using coping mechanisms he learned from counseling and therapy, his mind would always find away to break through the logic. It always had been a violent, internal war.

_The people who love me would be miserable if I go._

… _Not if they grow to hate you first. You know how to make them hate you. You know all of their weaknesses and what to say. They’ll never forgive you, and that’s what you deserve._

_You deserve to be—_

The sound of a loud knock disrupted his thoughts, and a loud voice followed it. “Hey, Kiki, you awake?”

Kokichi rolled his eyes. If Kaito had been trying to be polite and not disturb him, that was a piss poor job of doing it.

Kokichi didn’t answer. Maybe if he pretended to sleep, Kaito would go away.

“Kokichi, it’s well past noon...” A softer voice, this time from Shuichi, spoke up after several moments. His tone was drenched with concern. “Is everything okay?”

 _Why are they so kind?_ Kokichi thought, only curling in on himself further. _You don’t deserve their kindness. They’ll just be miserable if you drag them down with you._

Yet even when Kokichi tried to move, tried to speak, nothing happened. His limbs tensed, and his lips parted with a lie on his tongue, but his voice was gone. Th only movement he could manage was the shaking he couldn’t even control.

“… All right, that’s it, we’re coming in there.” Kaito didn’t give him much of a warning, turning the knob and swinging the door open. Kokichi couldn’t see his face, but he could just imagine it with how he loud noises of his footsteps softened as he drew closer. “Kokichi…?”

Nothing. It was like someone turned off the part of his brain that controlled his voice. He couldn’t speak. Not a lie, not the truth, nothing.

“Kokichi…?” Shuichi wasn’t far behind Kaito. “Is everything okay?”

Still nothing. Kokichi couldn’t stop the tears in his eyes, nor the shaking in that wracked his whole body.

 _What are you doing? Say something, you idiot,_ he scolded himself. _You’re making them worry. Say something, and make them go away. You’ll just ruin their day if you don’t—_

Before the thought could finish itself, Kokichi felt Kaito and Shuichi sit next to him on the bed, one on either side of him. He immediately buried his face into the pillow.

“Hey, Kokichi...” Kaito muttered, gently resting a hand on his shoulder. “What’s up? What’s going on?”

So gentle, so sweet. With how loud and abrasive Kaito normally was, the softness was jarring to those who weren’t close enough to feel the warmth Kaito radiated. They only saw a raging fire, passionate and burning.

Kokichi couldn’t bring himself to look into those warm eyes.

“Kokichi...” Kokichi felt Shuichi’s hand on his head, and felt Shuichi’s fingers brush his hair aside. Trying to look at his face, even if it was just a glimpse, yet being unable. “Did something happen?”

There was no answer. As much as Kokichi desperately tried, there was nothing. He couldn’t even shake his head.

_You’re pathetic. You don’t deserve their kindness. You always ruin everything—_

Suddenly, Kokichi felt a pair of strong arms envelope him, and he felt his head pressed up against someone’s chest. Kaito’s, he was sure. Kaito was always protective like that. It didn’t take long to feel Shuichi wrap his arms around him as well.

“You can always talk to us, you know,” Kaito said, and Kokichi could hear what he thought was a hint of frustration. Kaito was all about communication, helping others even at his own expense.

_You’re just making them more miserable—_

“We’re here for you. Always.” Shuichi’s voice wavered with fear, Kokichi was sure. Losing too much, too often feeling powerless and useless, being afraid of the cycle repeating.

_Why do you do this to them? You make everyone miserable by existing._

It was hard to keep himself together. It was hard to keep himself from spiraling out of control.

_That’s no true. They love me. They want me to be happy. They want to help._

… _But they can’t. They’ll just destroy themselves trying. You should just give up and die._

Yet every ounce of logic was fought against. Nothing stuck.

_They would never forgive themselves if I kill myself. They’d be even more miserable._

… _Not if you make them hate you first._

Kokichi’s trembling worsened, as he finally peered from the pillow to look up at them.

Their concerned faces looked so miserable.

 _See? This is what you do to people._ The thoughts kept coming. Merciless and unrelenting. _So go ahead. You know how to make them hate you. Then they won’t care if you die._

_I don’t want them to hate me…_

_They’re far better off if they did. You’re just being selfish._

There was no escaping the malice, no matter how hard he tried. It would always drag him back. It would always drag him down.

Kokichi drew in a deep, shuddering breath. _These feelings are temporary. Feelings don’t last. Take a deep breath…_

And he did.

_You’re worthless._

And he did again.

 _Stop. Take a step back. Observe. Proceed with a mindful mind._ Another breath. _Stop. Observe Proceed—_

_You’re just pathetic._

Kokichi swallowed a hard lump in his throat. He drew in another deep breath, one that wavered more than the last. _Stop. Breathe. You’re safe. You’re loved. Everyone had bad days._

_But you are just a terrible person. They don’t actually love you—they just haven’t seen the real you yet. You’re just fooling yourself and making them think they love you._

_You’re a horrible, vile human being._

It wasn’t working.

Kokichi had been trying to put to practice the mindful skills he had been taught, but they were absolutely worthless to him when he couldn’t keep up with his racing thoughts.

Instead, he started sobbing.

_Weak. You’re just so weak and pathetic, aren’t you?_

His sobbing made Kaito and Shuichi tighten their hold on him.

_Selfish. Worthless. Pathetic._

He was falling apart. Kokichi’s sobs grew a little louder, despite being muffled by the pillow. Kaito and Shuichi didn’t say a word, only hushing him as they tried to keep him together.

Kokichi only cried louder. The more they tried, the worse he felt.

Coming apart, coming undone, unable to be happy that two of the people he loved so dearly loved him so much in return.

He felt Kaito and Shuichi gently rubbing his back and shoulder, soft gestures meant to ease him. It only made him sob into the pillow more.

… _I really am pathetic._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry that I’m such a horrible person._

_I’m sorry that I can’t just stay happy._

_I’m sorry that I’m not good enough—_

A kiss to his forehead distracted Kokichi from his spiraling, and he glanced up with a whimper.

“You’re okay,” Kaito whispered into his hair before pressing his lips to his head again. “We got you. You’re okay.”

He felt another pair of lips on his shoulder, gentle and warm yet with no accompanying words. Just meaningful acts of affection.

Kokichi didn’t even bother hiding his face back into the pillow as he started sobbing again. Instead, he buried it into Kaito’s chest. Finally, he found his voice, and croaked; “I’m sorry.”

“Shh...” Shuichi and Kaito both hushed him, squeezing him and kissing him as if he actually deserved their love and comfort. Kaito continued, however, and repeated; “We got you. It’s okay.”

“We love you,” Shuichi added. “We love you so much.”

Hearing those words made Kokichi’s sobbing deepen, but it somehow felt relieving.

 _You don’t deserve them._ The hounds were unforgiving. _You don’t deserve this._

Kokichi only buried his face further into Kaito’s chest. Briefly, he focused only on the sensation of touch, the scent of those he loved, the warmth they brought him…

And for a moment, he actually believed that maybe, just maybe, he deserved their love after all.


End file.
